Gaje banget. Gak usah dibaca
Hai hai hai guys!!
Malem ini aku lagi dalam keadaan galau darurat. Bukan gawat darurat ya. Aku lagi pengen curhat banget tapi gak tau sama siapa ya curhat jam segini (23:47). Seperti yang aku bilang di awal, blog ini dibentuk emang buat tempat aku curhat dan express diri aku aja. Seperti tempat pribadi untuk nulis dan nge-bachot. Nah ini adalah salah satu kebachotanque. Di postingan edisi curhat kali ini aku akan ngegunain bahasa Inggris guys. Karena apa ya? Karena biar engga terlalu rude aja sih.
But one thing, aku terlalu malas untuk memikirkan something related to Grammar, diction, structure, etc. Jadi inimah edisi absurd abstrak banget semuanya campur aduk kaya hati gue sekarang. Jangan komentar tentang bahasa Inggris yang acak-acakan nya ya!
Eh tapi sebelumnya aku mau ngucapin Selamat Hari Raya Idul Fitri 1439 Hijriah, Minal aidzin wal faidzin mohon maaf lahir dan batin yaaa.
Aku mulai nulis postingan ini dari Hari lebaran loh tapi baru kelar sekarang karena gak ada waktu yang enak buat nulis. Jadi random aja ini mah Plot sama Latar Waktu nya yah maafin.
Well, let's start!
Actually, this is not an appropriate discussion in the Holy day of Islam. But this is what I feel for this, and today. This is a long-term-problem, but what happened today reminds me to All those problem. So that's why sekarang numpuk semua in my brain. And I MUST express it. If not, I'll be depressed.
My day was started by my disappointment of the tailor I rent to fix my dress. because she didn't work my Eid Fitr dress well. The dresscode of today is White and Grey. I had bought the white dress with Kaftan style and it was so beautiful and gorgeous. But when I was fitting it in my home, the size is too big for me and I was look like a kuntilanak. So I took the dress to the tailor to be fixed (dikecilin ukuran baju nya).
I came several times to the tailor's house to check whether my dress is finished or not yet because I need to make sure that it will be beautiful when it's used in the Eid Fitr day. BUT THE FACT IS? My dress was finished at 11 PM in Takbiran night. You know what? When I fit the dress, it was not fixed at all. It instead becomes worse. And I have no time to fix it again. I was confused at the time and what should I use for the day? It's impossible for me to go to the city to buy another dress. So I decided to use my another Kaftan dress but the color is Black.
While all of my family member used White and Grey. Shit.
So, Annoying thing number 1 : I'M OUT OF THE FAMILY DRESSCODE!
Next, things are going well. I walk around the KOMPLEK and do the silaturahmi with the neighbours. The vibes are so good and grateful. Comfortable, happy and so warm. We talk, meet and every people apologize each other. How a touching moment!
After all finished, we came back home and took a photo. You know how annoying this moment is! Yes I use black alone and it should be me to become the photographer.
Continued with eating part, which is so spectacular! Meatball party is my family's favorite part.
After that, the situation are going quiet. One by one thinks 'what should we do next?' 'is the Eid Fitr finished?'
I sit in my bedroom and start scrolling the status in social media. Looking at the post of my facebook friends who celebrate it merrily. Yes I have my family but however, we miss our siblings there. We miss our grandmother, uncles, cousins, aunties, etc. We just realized that we miss something for this 3 years.
Actually, I have a plan with my Scout friends. They told me that they will come at 1 p.m, after Shalat Jumat. I wanna sleep because last night I helped my mom in Idul Fitri preparation. You know, such cooking, cleaning, beautifying, etc. But I tried to respect my friend and also they will be my guest, I wait them to come. I prepare the food they will eat and also the place where they can feel free (no burden of my family). AND after waiting till 2 hours, no one came. No news, no messages, no one told me how this could be. If I knew this, i'll choose to take a rest. Moreover, the meatball became so lembek. Annoying.
Well, the night comes. I have a plan with my Perum Squad. Perum squad is my friends who stay in Perum, the house that I stayed for 2 years. They live at there too, but I have moved last month. So, you can call this as my farewell party. Perum squad is the only one I invite to my house. Because I think I have no other friends to invite. Why do I think so? The fact tells me. I was not invited in Bukber event. Whether Leting event or Class event. They planned in the whatsapp group but my name was not mentioned. I was trying to be noticed by sending the emoticon, wish them will notice me and invite me. But nothing happened. When I appear in group, all people are silent. So, do you think I was wrong?
I think my friends are only them, who always came to Perum. We say Minal Aidzin wal faidzin each other, and they care of me. My senior high school friends? No one of them greet me, except perum squad. I love them. I'm the kind of person who will love people that love me. Yes I have Hell A in my life, but for Kwandang area, I only have them. That's why I prioritize them as my Eid Fitri guest.
I text my friends one by one far before Eid Fitri to willingly come to my house. I beg them. And all of them said YES. Because I predict that I'll not see them for a long time even we're near each other. I wish that all of them will come. Especially my closest friends like F****, T**, A**** and Kak F****. T and A came although they came late. But F not. I was quite disappointed when I asked them why did F not come? They told me that he was in my-another-high-school-friend's house. What makes me disappointed is, he didn't text me. He didn't tell me anything while I was waiting him. He didn't respect my invitation. I was sure that my invitation came earlier than hers. Sucker thing is? Perum squad who came to my house were in hurry because they also will go to my-another-high-school-friend's house. And the suckest is? I WAS NOT INVITED TO COME TO HER HOUSE. I feel so bad to know that I prioritize them, while they have another priority, I'm not theirs. I wish Hell A was there. I wish I can live near them 😠even I'm not the prior for hell A, they know how to respect me.
You know what? I was trying so hard to hide my sadness, to hold out my tears. But fortunately, there are my two Kakak kelas, which is the member of perum squad too, they stay longer for me. They understand my position even they have another plan too. I made reason that I'll go somewhere with my sister to make them go, I don't wanna be Dikasihani oleh orang lain. And I don't wanna be looked poor in front of them.
Actually, I have 2 close friends in my senior high school, they are girls. But one of them had had her own happiness, that is her boyfriend. And another one? I do believe she needs more friends, so she chose to gather with 'them'. I can't be selfish in this situation. I can't take them as mine, who is not their-bakutman-style. I wonder what makes me different from them. My style? My language? My jokes? My what? I feel so bad about this.
So, siapa lagi yang tersisa? I text hayria. Hayria can't come. Her mother is sick. I feel sad about that. I wish her mother will get better soon.
Second day.
My only one best friend, my sister, my soulmate, mba kiki... Went to her husband's house in Tilamuta. I was left. I was alone.
I started scrolling the status in social media again, I see my-high-school-friend-in-Gorontalo 's status. They post about the event last night. It completely hurt me. I was not there. Whereas I was graduated from that school too, in that year too, but I feel that I' m not part of them. ðŸ˜
I suddenly remember my-high-school-friend-in-Tasikmalaya, I love them, they love me. I'm still invited (till now) if they make an event. I am still included in their story, they still include my photo if they take selfie. How cruel this world is. I'm forced to leave the people I love.
I miss them. Even I miss my ex-boyfriend. It's not about love. But it's about story. How they treat me, how we make connection and relationship. They still care about me. They still love me.
Once again, What's wrong with Azkia-in-gorontalo? Why Can't I be loved like in Tasikmalaya? WHY can't I be accepted? how can I be different in their eyes? What makes them feel not comfortable near me? Come on! I need friends :'( I just wanna come home. Please. I need a hug. I literally cry when write this. I wish if somebody read this, please think it clearly and deeply, bukannya malah tambah2 karlota about me. I just need explanation. Not-to-be-karlota-ed.
My hobby now is crying in the middle of the night, if not in the corner, it should be in the bathroom. Alay? Yes it is. So tell me what should I do except that? I should hide it from my family. Especially my parents. My parents will not understand my situation because I and they are in different age. We have different point of view in terms of this. Do you feel that? When your friend can understand you while your parents not? Sometimes, you don't need and you can't tell your parents about something. Right? How can I explain this... Hemmm..... Like that.
Somebody told me that I can tell my problem to mba kiki (my sister). Yes she is my everything. But she will not understand this situation. She experienced a different story in her teenager period. She had bunch of friends while teenager, in tasikmalaya, WHICH I LOST. Moreover, she has married now. She can't imagine what I feel because what she feels now she's happy with her husband.
Second, THAT SOMEBODY told me that I can tell Hayria (because he knows that hayria is my closest friend). Yes I can. And I did. (betul kan ria?) she understands, she cares, she knows what it feels. but hayria was not there. She doesn't know who is my senior high school friends. She didn't know my story in high school. She didn't know their attitude, she didn't know what happened before.
Terutama, she is in molingkapoto and her house is so far from my house ðŸ˜. It needs 2 months more to be with her and my lovely Hell A, but I don't wanna back to campus yet. Because I will enroll semester 5,which I heard, it is so hard. So I should enjoy my holiday.
In the past, i had my captain. Yes, mr. X.
He was my tempat-pencurhatan-segala-rasa. I always told him about my problem (in the past like I told you in CCS part 3). But you know that we had been "such-broken" right now. So we're not really close like before. He has his own world. And who am I to act like...... Ah. Sudahlah. It makes me sad more.
.
.
.
.
I think I can't continue this post because I start crying now. As always, I should go to the bathroom because my parents are still awaken. I have no more words to explain my loneliness. It's hard for me to express this. I don't know how to tell.
So readers, see you in my next post! Bye thank you 😘
Malem ini aku lagi dalam keadaan galau darurat. Bukan gawat darurat ya. Aku lagi pengen curhat banget tapi gak tau sama siapa ya curhat jam segini (23:47). Seperti yang aku bilang di awal, blog ini dibentuk emang buat tempat aku curhat dan express diri aku aja. Seperti tempat pribadi untuk nulis dan nge-bachot. Nah ini adalah salah satu kebachotanque. Di postingan edisi curhat kali ini aku akan ngegunain bahasa Inggris guys. Karena apa ya? Karena biar engga terlalu rude aja sih.
But one thing, aku terlalu malas untuk memikirkan something related to Grammar, diction, structure, etc. Jadi inimah edisi absurd abstrak banget semuanya campur aduk kaya hati gue sekarang. Jangan komentar tentang bahasa Inggris yang acak-acakan nya ya!
Eh tapi sebelumnya aku mau ngucapin Selamat Hari Raya Idul Fitri 1439 Hijriah, Minal aidzin wal faidzin mohon maaf lahir dan batin yaaa.
Aku mulai nulis postingan ini dari Hari lebaran loh tapi baru kelar sekarang karena gak ada waktu yang enak buat nulis. Jadi random aja ini mah Plot sama Latar Waktu nya yah maafin.
Well, let's start!
Actually, this is not an appropriate discussion in the Holy day of Islam. But this is what I feel for this, and today. This is a long-term-problem, but what happened today reminds me to All those problem. So that's why sekarang numpuk semua in my brain. And I MUST express it. If not, I'll be depressed.
My day was started by my disappointment of the tailor I rent to fix my dress. because she didn't work my Eid Fitr dress well. The dresscode of today is White and Grey. I had bought the white dress with Kaftan style and it was so beautiful and gorgeous. But when I was fitting it in my home, the size is too big for me and I was look like a kuntilanak. So I took the dress to the tailor to be fixed (dikecilin ukuran baju nya).
I came several times to the tailor's house to check whether my dress is finished or not yet because I need to make sure that it will be beautiful when it's used in the Eid Fitr day. BUT THE FACT IS? My dress was finished at 11 PM in Takbiran night. You know what? When I fit the dress, it was not fixed at all. It instead becomes worse. And I have no time to fix it again. I was confused at the time and what should I use for the day? It's impossible for me to go to the city to buy another dress. So I decided to use my another Kaftan dress but the color is Black.
While all of my family member used White and Grey. Shit.
So, Annoying thing number 1 : I'M OUT OF THE FAMILY DRESSCODE!
Next, things are going well. I walk around the KOMPLEK and do the silaturahmi with the neighbours. The vibes are so good and grateful. Comfortable, happy and so warm. We talk, meet and every people apologize each other. How a touching moment!
After all finished, we came back home and took a photo. You know how annoying this moment is! Yes I use black alone and it should be me to become the photographer.
Continued with eating part, which is so spectacular! Meatball party is my family's favorite part.
After that, the situation are going quiet. One by one thinks 'what should we do next?' 'is the Eid Fitr finished?'
I sit in my bedroom and start scrolling the status in social media. Looking at the post of my facebook friends who celebrate it merrily. Yes I have my family but however, we miss our siblings there. We miss our grandmother, uncles, cousins, aunties, etc. We just realized that we miss something for this 3 years.
Actually, I have a plan with my Scout friends. They told me that they will come at 1 p.m, after Shalat Jumat. I wanna sleep because last night I helped my mom in Idul Fitri preparation. You know, such cooking, cleaning, beautifying, etc. But I tried to respect my friend and also they will be my guest, I wait them to come. I prepare the food they will eat and also the place where they can feel free (no burden of my family). AND after waiting till 2 hours, no one came. No news, no messages, no one told me how this could be. If I knew this, i'll choose to take a rest. Moreover, the meatball became so lembek. Annoying.
Well, the night comes. I have a plan with my Perum Squad. Perum squad is my friends who stay in Perum, the house that I stayed for 2 years. They live at there too, but I have moved last month. So, you can call this as my farewell party. Perum squad is the only one I invite to my house. Because I think I have no other friends to invite. Why do I think so? The fact tells me. I was not invited in Bukber event. Whether Leting event or Class event. They planned in the whatsapp group but my name was not mentioned. I was trying to be noticed by sending the emoticon, wish them will notice me and invite me. But nothing happened. When I appear in group, all people are silent. So, do you think I was wrong?
I think my friends are only them, who always came to Perum. We say Minal Aidzin wal faidzin each other, and they care of me. My senior high school friends? No one of them greet me, except perum squad. I love them. I'm the kind of person who will love people that love me. Yes I have Hell A in my life, but for Kwandang area, I only have them. That's why I prioritize them as my Eid Fitri guest.
I text my friends one by one far before Eid Fitri to willingly come to my house. I beg them. And all of them said YES. Because I predict that I'll not see them for a long time even we're near each other. I wish that all of them will come. Especially my closest friends like F****, T**, A**** and Kak F****. T and A came although they came late. But F not. I was quite disappointed when I asked them why did F not come? They told me that he was in my-another-high-school-friend's house. What makes me disappointed is, he didn't text me. He didn't tell me anything while I was waiting him. He didn't respect my invitation. I was sure that my invitation came earlier than hers. Sucker thing is? Perum squad who came to my house were in hurry because they also will go to my-another-high-school-friend's house. And the suckest is? I WAS NOT INVITED TO COME TO HER HOUSE. I feel so bad to know that I prioritize them, while they have another priority, I'm not theirs. I wish Hell A was there. I wish I can live near them 😠even I'm not the prior for hell A, they know how to respect me.
You know what? I was trying so hard to hide my sadness, to hold out my tears. But fortunately, there are my two Kakak kelas, which is the member of perum squad too, they stay longer for me. They understand my position even they have another plan too. I made reason that I'll go somewhere with my sister to make them go, I don't wanna be Dikasihani oleh orang lain. And I don't wanna be looked poor in front of them.
Actually, I have 2 close friends in my senior high school, they are girls. But one of them had had her own happiness, that is her boyfriend. And another one? I do believe she needs more friends, so she chose to gather with 'them'. I can't be selfish in this situation. I can't take them as mine, who is not their-bakutman-style. I wonder what makes me different from them. My style? My language? My jokes? My what? I feel so bad about this.
So, siapa lagi yang tersisa? I text hayria. Hayria can't come. Her mother is sick. I feel sad about that. I wish her mother will get better soon.
Second day.
My only one best friend, my sister, my soulmate, mba kiki... Went to her husband's house in Tilamuta. I was left. I was alone.
I started scrolling the status in social media again, I see my-high-school-friend-in-Gorontalo 's status. They post about the event last night. It completely hurt me. I was not there. Whereas I was graduated from that school too, in that year too, but I feel that I' m not part of them. ðŸ˜
I suddenly remember my-high-school-friend-in-Tasikmalaya, I love them, they love me. I'm still invited (till now) if they make an event. I am still included in their story, they still include my photo if they take selfie. How cruel this world is. I'm forced to leave the people I love.
I miss them. Even I miss my ex-boyfriend. It's not about love. But it's about story. How they treat me, how we make connection and relationship. They still care about me. They still love me.
Once again, What's wrong with Azkia-in-gorontalo? Why Can't I be loved like in Tasikmalaya? WHY can't I be accepted? how can I be different in their eyes? What makes them feel not comfortable near me? Come on! I need friends :'( I just wanna come home. Please. I need a hug. I literally cry when write this. I wish if somebody read this, please think it clearly and deeply, bukannya malah tambah2 karlota about me. I just need explanation. Not-to-be-karlota-ed.
My hobby now is crying in the middle of the night, if not in the corner, it should be in the bathroom. Alay? Yes it is. So tell me what should I do except that? I should hide it from my family. Especially my parents. My parents will not understand my situation because I and they are in different age. We have different point of view in terms of this. Do you feel that? When your friend can understand you while your parents not? Sometimes, you don't need and you can't tell your parents about something. Right? How can I explain this... Hemmm..... Like that.
Somebody told me that I can tell my problem to mba kiki (my sister). Yes she is my everything. But she will not understand this situation. She experienced a different story in her teenager period. She had bunch of friends while teenager, in tasikmalaya, WHICH I LOST. Moreover, she has married now. She can't imagine what I feel because what she feels now she's happy with her husband.
Second, THAT SOMEBODY told me that I can tell Hayria (because he knows that hayria is my closest friend). Yes I can. And I did. (betul kan ria?) she understands, she cares, she knows what it feels. but hayria was not there. She doesn't know who is my senior high school friends. She didn't know my story in high school. She didn't know their attitude, she didn't know what happened before.
Terutama, she is in molingkapoto and her house is so far from my house ðŸ˜. It needs 2 months more to be with her and my lovely Hell A, but I don't wanna back to campus yet. Because I will enroll semester 5,which I heard, it is so hard. So I should enjoy my holiday.
In the past, i had my captain. Yes, mr. X.
He was my tempat-pencurhatan-segala-rasa. I always told him about my problem (in the past like I told you in CCS part 3). But you know that we had been "such-broken" right now. So we're not really close like before. He has his own world. And who am I to act like...... Ah. Sudahlah. It makes me sad more.
.
.
.
.
I think I can't continue this post because I start crying now. As always, I should go to the bathroom because my parents are still awaken. I have no more words to explain my loneliness. It's hard for me to express this. I don't know how to tell.
So readers, see you in my next post! Bye thank you 😘
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